My Letter

Here’s my letter from me to you. It becomes angular and cold, truth be told beyond feelings and color and love lays indestructible weakness. You see we are all weak and small but it’s our actions that make us strong, they make us stand out and reach for the stars.

Remember how you said the sky could tumble down any minute and you would be safe with me still? All things equal I put you first in my life. This is not a love letter.This is simply me. And the gap between us will never be bridged. So I want to say things that have never really been told. I know you will read them. Curiosity has always left you breathless when it came to me. We could never agree to disagree.

Nobody wants to admit this but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that’s simply because its all a chain and someone long ago started to unfold harm and it unraveled endlessly on and on. Like that seek and find game. You whisper into someone’s ear and then they pass it on and it gets twisted it becomes ugly, it becomes public knowledge. I guess bad things will always happen to make us appreciate the good moments. We never weigh the good. We’re frugal. But what goes around comes back around right?

Here’s what I would say to you if I saw you on the street. An old Chinese proverb says: “If we don’t change the direction we are headed we will end up where we are going. “ I haven’t found my way yet but all I know is that if I could guide you to follow in this chaos I would. It’s my fault but then again who can judge us? If beyond sitting around anxiously waiting for life to happen to me I would close my eyes and throw myself head first, maybe then I would probably be sitting at a different window singing a sweeter song. You see I know exactly what defines me as a person. And no matter how deeply you scratch the surface of me you will not understand this. I let you bruise me nevertheless but it’s ok pain always makes me feel alive. You left your fingerprints all over me and I let you. A thousand insecurities and a million words cannot add up to the nothingness that makes me blur all boundaries between you and I. We’re closer than you think and for that I want to thank you. For teaching me how to peel off my shell, how to let go, how to unveil myself, how to kiss and how to breathe. In time you will find that by taking from me you actually gave. I only hope and pray you can sleep at night soundly, crooked like you usually do, head hanging low that small mouth of yours curved nicely and plump, body relaxed heart beating equally fast like the last time I touched your face. I don’t know who is holding your hand now and who is scratching your back but I do know that whoever she is she does not taste like me. So for all we’ve had I will say this. When I will wake up tomorrow morning I will try to vanish the feel of you. When I go to sleep I will try to forget the sweet abandon with which you used to make love to me. And when someone will ask about you I will candidly look them in the eyes and tell them it wasn’t you it was me. Life got in the way and we never made it work. You broke me to pieces but then again I was broken when you met me. You only added to the damage. I know we both made mistakes. I owe you this. Thank you for pretending you loved me so completely. I am credulous. Inclined to believe on slight or uncertain evidence. I have an obvious disposition to believe too readily.

It takes just about a second for life to change course. It takes but a minute to turn around and see someone gazing at you. It then takes a lifetime to wipe away memories, and pretend you just suffered a lobotomy. Good luck wearing that mask. You have always been a magician after all.