It is Monday morning. In Bucharest, Romania, the sun heats up the streets. The blue sky with no clouds around is the undoubted sign of a very hot day.

I am going to work with small steps. Staring down while walking, there is no strength left in me to look into the eyes of the people passing along. I cross a busy street and one angry driver is honking desperately on me. ”Probably the red light was on” I think while keep going forward anyway.

Soon after arriving at the office buildings, some coworkers warmly salute me. My answer to them is a fake smile, a mask carefully built over time. If I smile, they like me and there is no need to talk back. The world itself judges the appearances, not the reality.

The morning fades away without any disturbances. I am alone in the office with my eyes staring at the walls for hours, trying to think about nothing. In this way, I do not remember the nightmares that are hunting my sleep night after night.

Soon is lunchtime. There is a sandwich in my briefcase, but no desire to eat resides in my body. I did not felt hungry for something since a very long time. When the mouth feeds my weakened body, it does it mechanically, without any appetite. I eat just enough to live, not for the taste of food.

In the afternoon, the sun is stronger than ever and the heat fills the air in my office. I do not have air-conditioned installed in the small room and it is very hot.

Suddenly, the secretary appears in the doorframe and tells me with a bored voice:
“A lady in the lobby wants to see you.” She looks into my eyes and understands the silent answer.
“I will send her in then.” Says and then disappears closing the door behind her.

Not after a long time a woman enters and approaches me with grace. It is a young girl, twenty, maximum twenty-three years old. Her body is perfect, well defined by the tight dress and the high heels. The elegant yet sexy appearance shows me a woman very determined to succeed. In another life, I would have been happy to meet her. She stops near the chair and speaks in a delicate way:

“My name is Catalina Adam, insurance agent. I promise to take only ten minutes from your day; I know time is important for you. May I sit?”

I shook my head as a “yes” and the girl sits on the chair in front of my desk. I said nothing, no word, but she knows already my name. Probably the secretary told her everything about my person. Catalina starts to talk with passion about a subject that has no interest to me.

I do not listen to what she is saying but my eyes are looking in hers. She thinks all my focus is on her but she is wrong. I hear from her beautiful mouth the words:

“Your estates, health and life are very important to us!”

“Life”, my ego is thinking in disillusion. “Did I even have one?” When and where?” It is impossible to hear more the young girl who sits in front of me; time is rewinding back at a very high speed. My conscience sadly remembers the events that marked my destiny forever.

…………………………………………………………………………….

Many years ago, in the communist period, I was a soldier somewhere between the borders of Romania with Bulgaria in Eastern Europe. In those dark days, every young man joined the army, disregarding his wish. I was twenty then; I understood the world in my way and saw it somehow beautiful. Guarding the frontiers of my country with honor was something beyond me. In that time, I believed even in Ceausescu, although many people would think different now.

The military unit was located in an empty field. A beautiful wild land not yet touched by the modern world. Small forests and clearings were everywhere, from west to east and north to south. I patrolled the area around the base for many days and nights; soon I knew the zone like it was my native place.

My mind remembers as if it was yesterday. On thirtieth of November that year, the winter came upon us. We woke up early in that morning, me and the other boys from the base. It was so devilishly cold that we were shivering. On radio, they announced temperatures below fourteen Fahrenheit for the next twenty-four hours.

We got all very surprised because one day before, on twenty-ninth, was a beautiful sunny weather. We were even thinking then, it was as if summer was coming, and not winter! The sun was up on the sky all day long!

Twenty-ninth November, the last sunny day in myself.

We gathered as usual in the yard of the base after a fast breakfast. The major was very hard on us that daybreak because he had an unexpected visit. One intelligence officer arrived from the city. I noticed four brand new cars in the base that morning; the military vans came with the uninvited guest.

The new commanding officer appeared in front of us; one tall person, about forty years old with a severe appearance.

“Good morning boys.” He said looking at all of us.

“Good morning comrade.” We answered back in-group.

“Our neighbors, the Bulgarians brought us some very disturbing news. Last night, at sunset, two men entered the Romanian territory. We know they are armed and extremely dangerous. Right now, as we speak, those men search for a breach somewhere in the frontier zone protected by you.” He kept his breath and continued…

“Your objective today is clear; these two persons must be eliminated at all costs. Under no circumstances this fugitives can go furthermore inside our country. They passed already the Bulgarian borderline so now is your duty to find them.” It was something strange in his voice, as he wanted to be sure about our loyalty for the Romanian flag.

“Yes comrade.” We yelled at him.

“Let’s not waste the little time we have. Do not forget, they have guns so we deal with a perilous situation here. No warning fire or negotiations, you will take them down without hesitation. Is that clear?”

“Yes comrade.” We answered looking at the new commanding officer.

“Then let’s get the job done. Equip yourself properly, take the dogs and we meet on the cars.”

“Yes comrade.” We rattled like a machine gun while running to the arm rack.

When I put my hand on the weapon in that day, manliness got out from my soul. That lifeless object was so close to me, like never before. Touching the cold metal skin, I felt mercury running through my veins. On the shooting range, I could concentrate so good that the gun became the third “detachable” arm of my body. Some people shoot on target with the rifle, but I fired with my whole being and never missed.

I took my dog (named Sobi ) and run as fast as possible to the army van. All soldiers were nervous that morning, something important was in the air. Dark clouds were floating on that morning sky, like a foreboding sign.

We get inside the car and Sobi stood down with the nose on his forelegs at my feet’s. Keeping the gun leant on the floor my eyes were sparking in the half darkness of the van. The others were shaking a little from fear or because of the cold but I was charged.

On the road I could not focus on nothing else than the mission. “The maximum efficiency in any area it is the clear sign of a brilliant mind” one professor told us in high school. Never missed a dummy; on the rifle range I was superior to all. “Only if I will get a chance to have a clear shot I shall not miss…”

We reached the hot zone and the driver stopped the car for a short period. The major shook his head as a yes and I get out of the car with Sobi. Then the convoy continued the road forward, to east.

I was the first soldier deployed in the west part of the objective. Logically, I should have gone north, but something inside me chose to go back, to west.

Going ahead, I felt like going to a place only my soul knew. The dog was acting strange, did not seemed full of life like before. Maybe his behavior came from the terrible frost in the air. Was so cold that morning; all plants were frozen into the ground around me.

The wind blew slowly but I could feel how is pinching my cheeks. I was dressed poor, not fit for the bad weather; we had not enough time that morning to change the uniforms. The winter took us by surprise also that year.

My ego acknowledged that I walk to a well-known forest. The people from the area named it “the dead forest” because the trees never had leafs and it was never green in any round of year.

Sobi suddenly stopped and hesitated to continue the road. With all my efforts, the dog remained rigid on the frozen ground. Staying with his muzzle down while crouched he refused to go along with me anymore. I had to tie him up by a tree and let him in the wild.

Something driven me, as a primeval instinct came from inside my body.
The heart was pounding hard in my chest while I get close to the spot. It was as if I had a mental picture of the future, like a warning. Not even a second I wanted to go back, was no indecision in my actions.

I get close to a hill from were I could see the whole area. My heart now was beating like the drums while I flung to the ground. I could see now the forest, one, maybe two hundred yards away.

I loaded my weapon like a ghost and I aimed the middle of the trees of the distant forest. There was no person there, but my sight focused into a straight direction. What force, which instinct pushed me to do that? I did not know. Watching through the foresight of the weapon, I slowly put my finger on the trigger.

Nothing was getting out of the distant forest. A strange duality was inside me. I thought is a stupid thing to remain there but my ego was determined to keep the position no matter what.

It took some time until, incredible, a person appeared from the distant trees straight into the aim of my weapon. One man walked in a hurry, watching back all the time to the forest he came from. Judging from his appearance, he had on him more than one suit of clothes. He was staggering like a bear followed by a storm of bees.

I was in the ideal position for a soldier. The figure was in my sight, the man made of flesh and bones, not the wood dummy from trainings. A strange dialog got out from my soul and mind:

“What are you doing?” I asked myself.
“I follow the orders received.” The answer came in my head.
“But he is not armed, does not appear as a threat of any kind and is coming straight at you. He did not see you yet, wait, you can capture him without killing him.”
“Orders are orders.”
“No, you want to take his life, not orders, nor the C.O. but you.”
“Is not true, I just obey the command.”
“No, you want, you…”

Like an invitation, the stranger stopped as if he was lost. He did not know were to go anymore. Now was the perfect time! I aimed the stomach of the Bulgarian for full efficiency. The adrenaline rushed into my body and my finger bended under my hand pressure.

“Do not kill.” A female voice whispered softly in my head from nowhere…

I pushed the trigger and the bullet rushed noisily like a rocket to the target. As a field gun roared behind, my ears started to whiz. I did not know in those moments if I shoot with the rifle or with some imaginary cannon, or maybe was a flash of lightning from the sky. I felt forcefully with all my body the bullet explosion; never before suffered such devastating recoil straight into my heart.

Like that was not enough, the wind struck my face with such a force that I almost dropped the weapon from my hands. Felt like one unseen palm slapped me from the sky and the air took the form of a heavy hand to do that.

Some black birds were flying off hearing the sound of my gun and the man crumbled to earth in the distance. He fell in a strange way, on his back, not on his face as if it was normal in that situation.

I stood up on my feet’s again slowly, keeping my body weight on the weapon to do that. I felt like a child who deserves punishment while approaching with unsure steps the person I shot.

The wind was like a breeze when I got close to the body facing up on the cold earth. My victim was not dead yet. I could see the hands that were almost frozen.

When I had the courage to look at the woman face, her look gave me the impression that she does not want to die, but wishes to stay alive. Through the scarf and hoods covering her head, I could see the face and the hair of the stranger. Yes, was a woman, thirty maybe forty years old. In other circumstances, I would consider her beautiful, but now she was dying,

I stood dead, upright, on the left side of her body. My ego watched her silently. She was not interested in me; the woman laid down on the cold soil never saw me. The red blood that stained her clothes and hands made a shocking contrast with the grey of that November day.

She begun to talk in Bulgarian, language I did not know. Because of the frost present in the air, vapors breathe got out from her mouth. The woman soul was on the way to die and got out from her body through her frozen lips. She was mourning something delicate. An unseen sadness was born from her words. A mourning mixed with a cradlesong continued forever.

I did not comprehend any of her language, but was no need to understand. Her pain was universal, was the call of a mother to her child. I heard that sometimes in my childhood, only a mother could mourn so deep. Death did not scare her as I was thinking first. Not for disappearance she was scared but for the child inside her. With the last breath, she tried to ease the passing way of her unborn baby.

The woman eyes were drowned in tears and her stomach flooded in blood.

Time passed and I could not move a finger. The woman soul died like a breath of cold wind; her cry to the heavens stopped. Her eyes remained wide opened while the hands rested on her ripped abdomen. Far away, Sobi start to growl as a wolf, as I never heard him before. I felt as if some diabolic force is tearing away my clothes leaving me naked, shivering, in the unleashed cold of the winter.

The weapon fell down from my hand and seeing it, I felt like vomiting. My efficiency as a soldier I proved it for the last time by taking two lives with a single bullet.

Later that day the C.O. and the other comrades found me on the ground, naked, shaking like mad. In suffering, my hands tore off the clothes from my body. I had blood taste in the mouth while they covered my body in blankets and took me to the car. The boys never said something to me then; they just watched silently the dead woman in the wilderness.

In hospital, I found out the whole story. To increase their chances to escape, those two fugitives split in that night of twenty-ninth to thirtieth of November. She went left and got lost in the dead forest where I found her. He ran east, and entered the area covered by that intelligence captain and the boys from the base. They caught him in open territory; the man uplifted his hands and surrendered. He had no weapons of any kind on him.

The officer yelled at them like hell, until those soldiers start to fire their weapons. Ten military men shot at least a hundred bullets, from a thirty meters distance from that man. Only three of them reach the target, and even those caused minor wounds. They fired at random into the air, on ground, around his body; nobody had the guts to shoot efficiently into a surrounded man. It was the forth bullet fired from the gun of the new C.O. that took the life of the poor man. Shot well from close range, execution style.

The exact reason for their runaway from Bulgaria to Romania remained a mystery. Likewise, the determination of that officer from the city to kill them at all costs. Probably the communism is guilty for these crimes also, as for many other. However, I know better; it was not a totalitarian regime that put the bullet inside the poor woman body.

After a week, that ruthless commander ranked me up in front of everybody. We were all standing in the base yard for the ceremony. I received a medal of honor for crime that day. Was wintertime now and snow came down from the sky into my open eyes. I stayed hard while the blood stained medal punched my uniform; nobody but me could hear one soft woman voice whispering softly and continuously:

“Last will be first, last will be first, last will be first and first…”

………………………………………………………………………………...

I return slowly from my dark memories to the unbearable heat inside my small office. The person in front of me is in a sweat. She takes the thin perspiration from her forehead with a handkerchief while talking. I hear distantly, between snatches of words…

“One life insurance with us is necessary for many reasons…”

Suddenly my ego feels the need to stop her. Strange, I do not remember the last time my mouth said a word. I speak clear, with a stiff voice:

- Miss… Catalina yells slowly and fells down from the chair. She is down on the floor, and then gets up easily while watching me in terror.
- I do not need a life insurance because I am dead for a long, long time… The woman screams louder and runs out of the office.

Only after I finish the sentence, my sight notices the cold vapor breath that gets out of my mouth. Although the room is like a huge heated oven, I do not feel the warmth. As an invisible thin layer of cold air surrounds me, as if death itself lives inside me winded up as a snake. Around my body are fourteen Fahrenheit, for eternity…

Once again, I take out the ice from my lungs into the hot air; my breath is lost in nothingness. My fingers are frozen and the skin is ash. Dark grey, like that damned November…