And I can say that finally I have discovered the truth and what I have discovered is not what I was hoping. But what I know at this very moment is that everything that they were saying… lies… all… illusions… all… fake hopes… all… I don’t hope anymore and I don’t believe and I don’t dream, everything is over finally and with them the sweet pain and the sweet suffering is back. I am finally free to be as I used to, without limits… me… alone… with me… and with the same feelings of being lost.
Yes, finally I feel that I am becoming what I used to be.
And I feel sorry to say that what I had I have lost and I still don’t miss it as I am supposed to miss it.
Tell me something… do you know what it means to loose your conscience and feel that you are turning back to what you used to be… empty and ugly inside, blank… and still feel good. To feel that all the pressure in your soul doesn’t exist anymore, that suddently the air is more pure and death can come more easy? Without pain?
Tell me something… why now when finally I feel everything working allright, when life seems to have a meaning, what happens is that I find what I was looking for, has the same shape inside and somehow has already another shape on the outside. Why is it that his inner shape couldn’t wait for my shape?
Tell me something… do you think it’s normal that now, at this very moment, I don’t care if I die or not? I have no more pain and no more remorse?
Tell me something… how is it to feel that your world has dissapeard slowly slowly and all that you feel is the eyelashes getting heavier with tears you can’t set free? Always? Eyes moist with pain that nobody sees, sadness that makes the corner of your eye fall down onto the ground and the entire world blind… doesn’t feel… doesn’t shout… doesn’t stop me…
Tell me something… WHY?
… sorry… I didn’t ment to shout… but can you hear me? Even if I am barely breathing and I shout your name in silence? Can you hear me? Should I shut my eyes and call you inside me? Answer me… please… please… please…
oh, damned tears… don’t let me see your answer…
oh, damned sounds… don’t let me hear your answer…
oh, damned lips… don’t let me talk to you… just breath, slowly worm and pulsatile…