I am walking and i am looking deep in children’s eyes hoping in one of those to find my own childhood … Childhood... and a seagull penetrating the sky like an arrow, I was a kid long time ago. This is the most nonsensical sentence I ever heard. Of course I had been an kid long time ago.. A kid with blue big and sad eyes and short haircuts as boys had; never wearing skirts and always having the scratched knees… I had dreams and I lost dreams, I grow up and now surprised I discover I am still a kid, not hiding anymore behind a boy’s haircut style nor playing football , not trying to show tough or being unique, I know I am a kid, I see this in my eyes, captive in an adult body with an adult mind ..a child's soul. How come life perverts all? We change and life changes in us.
I was seeking to find and I found what I was looking for…. I got to the doors and opened them I saw the light but I also tasted the darkness.
I saw tress blossoming and becoming green and than losing their leaves and I saw them snowed again and again so many times that I forgot to count … I saw waives cleaning the sand on a shore and cliffs becoming smaller and smaller ate by waters, I saw spring and love; fall and wars, life born and death coming to take us up on our last walk to the underworld …. I saw a face reflected in a puddle and heard a voice calling me home.
Night is falling over my life, the shadows are here ready to come alive again, and I am here ready to let them free, haunt me… this is my punishment I am willing to take it. Torture??? You think I do not know you? You think I never met you?
I slept in same bed with the devil and he was my mentor … I learned from him, in my blood the wolves were howling the end of the world and the north wind turned to stone the last drop of reason.
There where no reason is any feeling, where no feeling is is any regret and this was my life.
Night and daemons, pain and agony, tears and sadness, lost loves and new loves …. All dressed in night and night even in the middle of the day when sun is shining.
I’ve dreamed I was an angel dancing between clouds and I’ve dreamed I was happy and laughing with the saints … I lied down on a rainbow and drank the water of life; I was a lioness and I was a rabbit but I've never been me.
Why I want to write? What good for to open my soul to a deaf audience? Here is the most amazing part …. If is there no one to hear then no one can judge but what you are going to do with those who can read your lips? Life is like a court house, eventually all of us are coming to a judgment day … if I win or I lose will be the same. A game is a game won or lost, played with empty stadium is still a game. Who suffer more the one is wining or the one who's losing? And if the win is raised on someone else’s loss how sweet can be the win? Even the winner has his own piece of poison. This is life.. Tricky as always been.
We been learned to believe in God and Garden of Heaven… this is another bizarre joke. God I have a question for you … Are you so deeply asleep or not want to see what is going on or just do not exist pure and simple. Where have you been when I called your name? Where have you been when I needed you? Like from nowhere a joke comes to me
‘’ - Hello you reached the Heaven , sorry God is too busy right now , for appointment in the magical garden please press 1, for confessions and questions press 2, if you want to talk to an angel stay remain on the line…. For Arab problems please call the U.N.’’ So kinda like that is God stuff.
It is raining. I want to go out, naked, lay in rain and feel the rain drops rolling on my skin washing all the sins I made … clean me up , purify me and bring me home.
Home and always home what kind a word is that? Show me the path and I will follow the signs.
I’ve dreamed of you … I saw you there and I stared running to get to you …. You deluding shadow. No matter how fast I ran to get to you, you were running faster away from me…. But I still wanted to know you more, to have you more. …
I am a slave, living in raw nook, there is no light here, not sun, here the silvery laughter cannot be hear,… I am a prisoner, my cage is my world….I am a prisoner of my mind… I have no escape….
Look, the old ships, with masts rotten by times, are coming back to harbor…..slipping their silhouette like and old fat lady who was once a beauty. I saw strangers passing-by my threshold asking me for answers.
My voice is dumb, my eyes are blind, my hair is gray, life is drained and my hands are lean; a portrait of a woman who was once loved and betrayed …. And still so, as I am today aged by centuries you can see behind the wrinkles…behind the silence, behind the blindness, the woman I was.
I challenged myself to a battle I knew I had no chance to win it. A tremor of pleasure traveled my body and drowned by a drunkenness of sunrises I threw myself in the middle of life’s waves … but I forgot I had not idea to swim.
After each little fight a swindler peace arises to the horizon, after each little fight I was tired and more tired then before, lost and more lost…. Deceptions took place to innocence and grief to happiness. …. This is me.
And again another flash memory is invading my brain, gulping down my cells and devouring my heart, making me to remember I was once happy and I knew the laughter.
I was building sand castles on a shore at Black Sea, I use to trim them with shells, white – glossy shells, and at my castle’s windows a princess was waiting in vain for her prince; from the sea the whirling of meerschaum was erasing piece by piece my masterwork. I remember the sunset burning in red and purple over the waives and the seagulls shrieking the horizon line, I was laughing and giggling every time they tried to rest their tired wings in the yard of my sun rising.
And still then, I was not entirely happy, I saw the eyes of the devil watching me, whispering words with a gracious voice …his eyes were blue like mine are and deep as the abysses are, they were sinister glittering tempting me to follow them on the way of losing souls…. I sold my life, I brought offerings on the altar of fake gods and for them I wrote songs and built temples.
Are you ready to judge me? Are you ready to give me forgiveness? Don’t you understand, if I can forgive myself your mercy is not good anymore, if I am not ready to delete the past for a new coming future I will always be captive in the Alice’s wonderland …and how deep can the rabbit hole go?